NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 




3i^:3i':S:i!3i:;^(3^^f:^&^2^3k:2ii:^^SJ^^ 



That Box of Cigarettes 



Slol-i- 







COPYRIGHT, 1889, BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 



piays for ^mateur 5l7eatrieals. 

BV GEORGE T^Z. BKKER, 

Authorof'^Amatetir Dramas" "The Mhntc Stage" "The Social Stage" "The Dra-aiug' 
Rooiu Stagey '''Handy Dramas" "The Exhibition Dramas" "A Baker's Dozen" etc, 

Titlen in this Type are New Plays. 

Titles in this 'J.'upe are Temperance Plat/s, 



DRAMAS. 

/« Four A cis. 
Better than Gold. 7 male, 4 female 



cliar. 



In Three Acts, 

i>nr Folks. 6 male, s female char. 

The Flower of the Family. 5 
male, 3 female cliar 

Eniisted fok the Waij. 7 male, 3 fe- 
male char. ........... 

My Brother's Keeper.. 5 male, 3 fe- 
male char 

Thf. lAtttt'. TtrowH tTtirj, 5 male, 3 
female char . . • . 

■ In T1V0 A cts^ 
Above the Cloud«>. 7 male, 3 female 



ch.ir. 



One U unci red Years Ago. 7 male, 

4 female char 

Amonc the Breakers. 6 male, 4 female 

char 

Bread on the Waters. 5 male, 3 female 

chnr 

Down dy the Sea. 6 male, 3 female 

char 

Once on a Time. 4 male, 2 female char. 
The Last L,oaf. 5 male, 3 female char. 



/// One Act. 
oTAND BY THE Fla(;. 5 male char. . . 
I'lie Tempter, 3 male, i female char. 

COMEDIES AND FARCES. 

A Mysterious' Dlsuppearance. 4 

male, 3 female char. ....... 

Paddle Your 0\ru Canoe. 7 male ' 

3 female char. . , 

A. Drop too Much, 4 male, i female 

char 

A JjittU^ More Cider, 5 male, 3 fe- 
male char 

A Thorn Among the Roses. 2 male, 6 
female char 

Wevbr "^ay Die. 3 male, 3 female char. 

'.ERinc, THE Elephant. 6 mala, 3 female 
char 

The liosTON Dip. h male, 3 female char. 

The Duchess of Dublin. 6 male, 4 fe- 
male char. ...<,......• 

Thirty Minutes for Refreshments. 

4 male. 3 female char 

We're nil Teetotalers. /, mde, 2 fe- 
male char 

ATale Characters Only., 
\ Close Shave. 6 char. ...«•• 
A. Public BfnefActor. 6 char. > . . 
A Sb^ of Troubles. 8 char. .... 



COMEDIES, etc., continued. 

Male Characters Only, 
A Tender Attachment. 7 char. . , 

Coals of Fire. 6 char . 

Freedom of the Press. 8 char. . . . 
Shall Oar Mothers Votf? 1 1 char. 
Gentlemen of the Jury. 12 char. . . 
Humors of THE Strike. 8 char. . . . 
My Uncle the Captain. 6 char. . . . 
New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. 

I'hb Great Elixir. 9 char 

IVk Hypochondriac. 3 char 

1 he Man toith the Detnijohn, 4 

char. 

The Runaways. 4 char 

The Thief of Time. 6 char 

Wanted, a Male Cook. 4 char. . • . 

Female Characters Only. 

A LovK OF A Bonnet. 5 char 

A Precious Pickle. 6 char 

No Curb No Pay. 7 char 

The Champion of Her Sex. 8 char. 
The Greatest Plague in Life, 8 char. 
The Grkcian Bend. 7 char. . . > . 

The Red Chignon. 6 char 

Using the Weed. 7 char 



ALLEGORIES. 

A rrangcdfor Music and Tableaux, 

Lichthart's Pilgrimage. 8 female 
char. 

TiCE Revolt of the Bees. 9 female 
char o 

The Sculptor's Triu.mph. i male. 4 fe- 
male char 

Thk Tournament of Idylcourt. lo'fe- 
male char 

The War of the Roses. 8 female char. 

The Voyage OF Life. 8 female char. 

MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. 

An Original Idea, i male, i female 
Bonbons; or, the Paint King. 6 male, 

I female char 

Capuletta; or, Romeo and Juliet 
Restored. 3 male, i female char. 

Santa Claus' Frolics 

Snow-bound; or, Alonzo the Brave, 
and the Fair Imocene. 3 male, i 

j female char. 

I The Merry Christmas of the Old 
I Woman who Lived in a Shoe. . . . 
! The Pedler of Very Nice. 7 male 

char i , , , 

The Seven Ages. A Tableau Entertain- 
ment. Numerous male and female char. 
Too Late for the Train. 2 male char. 
The Visions of Freedom. 11 female 
char = . . 



WALTER H. BAKER & CO., 23 Winter St„ Boston. 



That Box of Cigarettes 



a larte in Cfjtec %cts 



y 

BY 



/ 

ROSEMARY BAUM 






BOSTON 



1892 






-y^^vi^ 



CHARACTERS. 

AMERICUS VESPUCIUS OLDBOY, a representative American Citizen, "by 

George Washington ! " 
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS OLDBOY, his son, and a backslider. 
TOM DARLING, a nineteenth century hero. 
FREDDY BLAKE, a " Soph.," and one of " the Jelloxvs." 
MISS ANASTASIA BLUEBLOODCHESTER (pronounced " Blucher" when 

you know hoiv), a woman of mind and principle. 
MRS. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS OUDBOY , her niece, a " foreign imfor. 

tation." 
MOLLY BLAKE, another niece, not to be trampled cm. 
PHYLLIS DARLING, not yet "out," and bound to be "in it." 




COFYKIGKTi 18931 BY WALTER H. BaKER & Co. 



THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 



ACT I. 

Scene. — Miss Bluebloodchester's drawing-room. Entrance 
C, with double portibres. Entrance R. f. Table L. F., with 
chairs R. and L. Desk R. with writing materials. Sofa with 
drapery R. c. Easy-chair L. c. Box of Tiddledv winks, branch 
of mistletoe, newspaper, on table. Christmas decorations. Be- 
fore curtains c. a step-ladder, on which is discovered Molly 
Blake, hammer in hand. Freddy sits at desk r., chewing end 
of pen. 

Molly. Well, Freddy ! If you think I am going to spend my 
morning on this ladder waiting for you to — 

Freddy. What the mischief rhymes with " ladies"? Badies, 
cadies, dadies — 

MoL. Fred-er-ick Blake ! 

Fred. Rats ! I canH think of a thing but Hades, and that's 
altogether too suggestive when one is supposed to be toasting the 
fair sex. {Tears paper and rises.) Did you say anything to me .'' 

MoL. iVly patience ! Haven't I asked you three times to hand 
me that mistletoe on the table .'' 

Fred, {crosses to table l. and carries tnistletoe up c. to Molly). 
Aha ! Getting ready for Tom, are 3'ou .'' That's one on you. 

MoL. {tacking mistletoe over door). Don't be a fool, Freddy! 

Fred, {lounging in easy-chair L. c). He's the fool, poor chap! 
Don't you suppose I know that his probation ends to-day, and that 
if he can give Aunt Anastasia his word that he hasn't smoked a 
thing for the last two months, and will sign her Anti-Tobacco 
League pledge to swear off for the rest of his life, he's to get you 
as a reward of merit? Great guns! It's more than I'd do for any 
girl. 

MoL. The lady or the tobacco — \t ts b. hard choice. Well, let 
him take the tobacco then. {Drops hatnmer and sits on top step 
of ladder.) The lady won't raise any objections if he does. Your 
case is different however. (Freddy rises and goes back to desk.) 
Choose the tobacco, and you have the fair one in your hair — the 
fair one being Aunt Anastasia. For the hundredth time, let me 
implore you to shun the weed and stick to the lady. She'll pay 
better in the long run. 

Fred, {at desk, making ready to write). And for the hundredth 

3 



4 THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 

time let me implore you not to worry about what doesn't concern 
you. All the fellows at college smoke, and Pm not going to play 
Miss Nancy for anybody. {Sotfo voce.) Ladies, fradies — 

MoL. All the fellows at college don't have aunts who are pres- 
idents of Anti-Tobacco Leagues. 

Fred. No, — lucky dogs ! — Madies, nadies, Hades ! 

MoL. And who could ruin their college-careers by refusing to 
advance the funds. 

Fred, {dipping pen impatiently'). Stuff! Fve kept dark so far, 
and there's no reason why the old lady should ever catch on. 
Leave me to manage her, can't you.^ {Puts inky end of pen in 
mouth, makes faces, etc.) 

MoL. Manage her? You might as well try to manage a war- 
horse or a mule or something as Aunt Ana when she gets her 
feet planted on a cast-iron principle. She spells those principles 
with a capital P, Freddy, and the rock of Gibraltar is a frail 
support by comparison. Be warned, my son! {Waves hands 
dramatically .) 

Fred, {flinging dowji pen) . Come off your perch! 

MoL. Figurative or literal ? 

Fred. Both. {Rises and goes up c.) What are you staying 
up there for anyway .'' Tom'U be here directly, and that ladder 
won't hold two. 

MoL. {arranging skirts). Oh, this isn't bad when it doesn't 
wobble. Does my skirt show .'' 

Fred. Going to pose for Tom's benefit ? 

MoL. Freddy, you are detestable. 

Fred, {gazing at her with his head on one side). I shouldn't 
have said the goddess-on-her-pedestal act was quite your style, 
but — 

MoL. Oh, for something to throw at you ! 

Fred. Well, I'll go hurry Tom up. {Gocsk.f. and looks back.) 
I say, Moll, wouldn't it be a good scheme to fall on his neck under 
the mistletoe ? You could get a jolly clear drop off that ladder — 
(Mo'Li.Y takes off slipper and flings it at him. Freddy dodges, 
rtins against Tom entering R., pushes him c, and exit.) 

Tou {lookitig after hi>n). Hold on ! What's up? 

MoL. {tucking feet out of sight). I am. 

Tom {turning). Molly! {Advances to foot of ladder.) What 
on earth are you doing ? 

MOL. Notliing, — on earth. 

Tom. Then why don't you come down ? 

MoL. Thanks; I'm very comfortable. Won't you take off your 
overcoat? {Aside, as Tom lays hat and black cape coat on chair 
L. C.) This is fearfully awkward. He's sure to think I stayed up 
here on purpose to be under the mistletoe. I wonder if I did. 

Tom {aside). A cheerful beginning for a love-scene, on my 
word! {Aloud.) Miss Molly, what will induce you to descend to 
a level with common mortals ? 



THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 5 

MoL. Just one thing. Do you see a — piece of bric-^-brac on 
the floor by the door ? 

Tom {going R. F. and pick i?tg up slipper). What, this? It's 
pretty nearly "out of sight," but — 1 see it. 

MoL. Well, I threw that at Freddy, and I can't get down with- 
out it. See? 

Tom. 0\-\,thafs the trouble! {Returns to ladder.) But why 
you got up there at all — Hold on ! Whaf s that over the door ? 

MOL. Nothing — a little wintergreen — 

Tom. Wintergreen is good. Mademoiselle, you are caught. 
Come down and pay the penalty. 

MoL. Never ! 

Tom. Why not? You can't have forgotten that my probation 
is ended ? I am here to sign your aunt's pledge, and to remind you 
of my promised reward. - Why not settle our part of the bargain 
here and now? 

MoL. {aside). Now wouldn't this be a romance, if the heroine 
had both shoes on ! {Aloud.) Well, give me my slipper, and I'll 
come down and think about it. 

Tom. And give me the slip in exchange for the slipper! No; 
"I have thee on the" — step-ladder, and there you stay till you 
promise to do what I ask. {Sits L. c, tossing and catching 
slipper.) 

MoL. Well, I never / 

{A paiise ; he gazing caltnly up at her, she indignantly down at 

him.) 

MOL. {aside). I wouldn't give in now if I were engaged to him 
twice over. If I were only on solid ground I could defy him, shoe 
or no shoe. But you feel so painfully lacking in proper dignity and 
spirit when you are perched on a ladder with only one foot at your 
disposal. 

Tom. What are you going to do about it? 

Mo'L. {aside). I'll try diplomacy. {Aloud, very sweetly.) Why 
of course I shall have to surrender. Are you sure there is no one 
in the next room? Aunt Ana may come in at any minute. 

Tom {rising and looking off c). Not a soul visible. 

MoL. I am sure I heard the outer door close. Just look into 
the hall. Take my shoe with you if you're afraid to leave me alone. 

{Exit Tom c ; Molly descends ladder^ 

Tom {outside). I didn't hear any door shut. There isn't any- 
body anywhere. 

MoL. Just look down the street, won^ you, please? If Aunt 
Ana should corne — 

Tom {outside). No, Fatima, I don't see even a cloud of dust. 

MoL. {hopping down i.. on one foot). Nor a hay-cart, sister 
Annie? 

{Enter Tom c. Stops short.) 



p THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 

Tom. Well, I'll be — 

MoL . (Jiopping around to put table betweeti herself and hhn) . I 
would if I were you. 

Tom {coming down L.). A pretty trick to serve a confiding 
youth ! 

MoL. {hopping around table, Tom. following). Almost as pretty 
as to get a young woman in a corner and try to force her into doing 
what slie might have done of her own accord — if you had used 
persuasion instead of coercion. {Hops across to R. Tom. follows.') 

Tom. Wait, Molly ! I want to speak to you. 

MoL. I hear you. 

Tom. But Molly — {Aside, stopping c.) Hang it all ! How 
can a man make love to a girl who is hopping around on one foot 
like a lame duck ? 

MOL. {hops behind sofa R. c. and stops. Aside). Gracious! 
He looks as black as thunder or ink or something. {Aloud!) 
What are you going to do about it? 

Tom {aside). Complete surrender is the only course left, anc^ 
be hanged if I ever try to get the best of a woman again ! {Aloud.) 
Miss Molly, all I wanted was to come to an understanding — 

MoL. {plaintiz'ely). If you don't come to it very soon, my 
understanding will give out. 

Tom. Molly, I'm a brute. Take your shoe and sit down. 
{Hands slipper oi'er sofa.) 

MoL. In the meantime, suppose you move that ladder into the 
corner. (Tom carries ladder to corner L. ; Molly puts on slipper, 
goes c. and stands under mistletoe.) Mr. Darling! 

Tom {turning, and advancing a step). Molly! 

MoL. I want you to observe that I am here of my own accord, 
without coercion or persuasion. 

Tom {embracing her). Molly, you're a darling! 

(Freddy and Phyllis enter c, run into Tom atid Molly, retreat 
and wrap themselves each in a portiere.) 

Fred. Coop ! We're coming ! 

Phyl. Say when we can look. 

Tom {going -l.). Confound the kids! 

Mol. {goitig R.). You might have "cooped" before you got 
here. 

'PnYi.. {putting head around curtain I..). Never mind us. We 
won't tell. 

Ykk^. {putting head around curtain K.). You bet we won't! 
We've been there oursel\{es. 

Phyl. {turning, still in curtain, to face Freddy.) Freddy 
Blake ! I never ! 

Fred. Well, I'd like to know where you are this minute. {At- 
tempts to seize her. Phyllis dodges frotn behind curtain L. ; Fred 
embraces portih'e. ) 

Phyl. Not under the mistletoe. 



THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 7 

Fred, {emerging from curtains). Never mind. I'll catch you 

there yet. 

Phyl. {going R.). I say, Molly, you don't mind our sort of sur- 
prising you, do you ? (Freddy goes l, and exchanges '■'■grip " with 
Tom.) I just ran over to say that Miss Darling and brother will 
be happy to accept Miss Blucher's invitation for Christmas dinner 
to-morrow. Is it to be a very big spread ? 

MoL. {sitting on sofa R. c). Just my sister, Mrs, Oldboy, and 
her husband, besides ourselves. 

Phyl. Oh, 1 see. Quite a family affair. 

Tom. Phyllis ! 

Phyl. Hm ? Oh, I — Dear me ! I never open my mouth but 
that I put my foot in it. {Sits by desk R. shaking head despair- 
ingly. Tom crosses R. c. and sits beside Molly. Fred cotnes 
down L. and snaps Tiddkdy winks on table.') 

Fred. Pshaw ! We all know how the land lies. 

Phyl. I don't suppose Papa Oldboy will be on hand to-morrow? 

Mol. Oh, no ! We've never even seen him. He never forgave 
Chris for marrying Hilda. 

Phyl. Why not ? Of course, if he knew her at all — 

Tom. Look out for your foot, youngster. 

Fred, {sitting on corner of table). The trouble is, Phyl, that 
Hilda, Molly, and 1 are all foreign importations. We were born 
in England, but our father and mother died when we were Httle 
shavers, and we were bundled off to America to live with Auntie 
Tobacco League Blucher, who had emigrated to this country with 
her father some years before. Well, now, old man Oldboy is a 
rabid Protectionist, and he couldn't bear to have his son encourage 
Free Trade between England and the United States by appropriat- 
ing an article «c^/ f^ American origin ; that is, by marrying Hilda. 
See? 

Tom {resting his arm on back of sofa). If all Free Trade 
brought such a class of importations to this country, I'd turn Demo- 
crat myself 

Fked. Ahem ! Phyllis, we'd better go. 

(Freddy and Phyllis rise., ttirning backs to Tom and Molly, 
and sidle toward c. with eyes shut atid groping for each other. 
As their hands meet Phyllis opens her eyes.) 

Phyl. We forgot our bet. Hold on, back there — or rather, 
stop holding on a minute ! 

Mol. {moving to end of sofa). If you would look around you 
would see that nobody is holding on to anything. 

^n^-L.' {kneeling on chair R. to face Tom and Molly). Fred 
and I've got a bet. He bets that he can dance girl better than I 
can boy, and I bet he can't ; so we're going to try, with you for 
judges. 'Tisn't any of your old Huyler's bets. If he loses, he is 
to let me curl his bang for the dinner-party to-morrow ; if I lose, 
he can fix my hair to suit himself {Rises.) Now, Fred, you 



8 THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 

wear my hat, and that bed-quilt on the sofa for a train, and I'll get 
your overcoat and derby. {Goes to door R. F.) 

Fred. You donH expect me to dance with steen yards of dry- 
goods tagging after me 1 

Phyl. Of course I do. Every girl must know how to manage 
her train. 

{Tosses hat c. and exit R. Fred puts hat on wrong side in front, 
goes up R., takes sofa drapery from Molly, and ties it around 
his waist, while going down L.) 

Fred. Ain't I just the sweetest little budlet you ever saw? 

{Re-enter Phyllis r., piUting on black cape-coat and derby. 
Crosses and re-crosses front imitating masculine stride.) 

Phyl. Don't I make a dandy dude ? 

Fred, {sitting R. of table with one foot under the other knee). 
How's this for nature ? {Pats foot.) They all sit that way ; I 
s'pose to keep their feet warm. 

Phyl. {going L. f. and leaning over Freddy's r/^a'/r) . Ahem! 
Miss Budlet. 

Fred, {jumping and shrieking). O. Mr. Dudelet ! How you 
startled me. 

Phyl. May I have the pleasuah of claiming a dance with the 
fairest bud in all this garland of sweetness gathered here to-night? 

Ykts-H. {coquettish ly). Oh, you flatterer ! You giddy, giddy man ! 

Phyl. Don't hide that blushing cheek — as if you could hide it ! 
Come along and show what you're good for. 

(Freddy and Phyllis waltz, both whistling; Freddy becomes 
involved in his train, trips, and sits on floor R. F. All laugh.) 

MoL. Pride goeth before a fall, my son. 
Tom. Never try to get ahead of a woman, Freddy. 
Fred. Phyl backed me up too fast. 

Phyl. {waving derby). All's fair in love and war. Hurrah! 
I win. 

( E7iter Miss Bluebloodchester c. Thomas, Molly, and 
Freddy rise hastily.) 

Miss B. {coming down c. and fu7nbling for her glasses). Dear, 
dear ! Is anybody being hurt ? Where are my glasses ? 

MoL. {goijig to her). They are hanging down your back, auntie. 

{Produces glasses on cord arou7id Miss Bluebloodchester's neck. 
Miss Bluebloodchester /«/j' thet?t on and glances abstractedly 
around roojn.) 

Miss B. What a terrific noise you were making as I came in. 
Dear, dear ! Molly, I fear you will never have any mind. {Sits R. 
of table.) 



-THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 9 

MOL. {standmg behmdM-i^s Bluebloodchester's chair'). I'm 
afraid I won't, auntie. {Aside.) Fred, for goodness' salce take 
that sofa-cover off. 

Yke-H. (tuggitig at knot). I can't. It's stuck. 

Phyl. {laying overcoat o?t chair R.). Come out here and let 
me untie it. Boys are no earthly good. 

{Exit Phyllis and Freddy r.) 

Miss B. {vaguely moving hands abont beneath chin). Molly, 
do you see my bonnet strings anywhere ? 

MoL. Wh}', they're hanging down behind too ; you must have 
forgotten to tie them. {Assists Miss Bluekloodchester to 
remove bonnet. Tom comes L. of table.) Auntie, you haven't 
spoken to Tom. 

Miss B. Oh, good-morning, Mr. Darling. {Produces crochet- 
work from work-bag on arm.) To a woman of mind like myself, it 
is painful to see young people so given over to transient pleasures. 
It is a great blessing to be born with a mind, Mr. Darling. 

Tom {sitting L. of table). You must find it a great convenience 
at times. 

Miss B. {crocheting). I do indeed. There are so many really 
serious pleasures for me to enjoy. I only wish Molly cared for 
them. 1 am a member of twelve charitable organizations, whose 
meetings are a source of much enjoyment to me. 

MOL. {aside to Tom). She's getting wound up. Head her off, 
quick ! 

Tom. Such a philanthropist as you, Miss Blucher, will rejoice 
to have added even so humble a convert as myself to the list of 
those whom you liave benefited. {Raises eyebrows at Molly, who 
applauds silently.) My two-months' probation ends to-day, and I 
have come to sign your Anti-Tobacco League pledge for life. 

Miss B. {dropping crochet-work and rising). Dear, dear! I 
am very glad to hear this, Mr. Darling. I wish you might imbue 
Molly with your spirit of reform. I will produce the necessary 
document for you to sign at once, (grosses r. atid takes papers 
frotn desk. Molly and ToM embrace over back of Miss Blue- 
bloodc Hester's <://«//■. Thomas /^/^wj Miss Bluebloodches- 
TER ; Molly ^^^^i- to arrange cushions on sofa r. c.) You will, of 
course, read the pledge before signing. Sit here, please. {Takes 
Freddy's coat from chair and crosses l. Tom sits at desk; 
Molly comes down and looks over his shoulder. Miss Blueblood- 
CHESTER j2>«;/j'^j- L. F. and sniffs suspiciously.) Molly, do you notice 
an odor here, like — distinctly like — that curse of humanity.'' — 
Molly, whose coat is this ? {Feels ifi coat pockets.) 

Mol. Tom ! What shall I do ? It is Freddy's coat, and if she 
finds his cigarettes he is ruined. (Miss Bluebloodchester takes 
cigarettes from coat pocket.) 

Miss B. Coffin tacks! Molly, can this be your unhappy 
brother's — 



lO THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 

Tom (f-ising). Hold on, Miss Blucher. That coat is mine. 

MOL. Tom, you sha^i't ! 

Tom. Husli ! Don't give Fred away. 

Miss B. This coz.t yoKrs, Mr. Darling? {T o^i borvs.) But 
dear, dear ! How do you account for — 

Tom. I don't account for anything, ma'am. 

MoL. (aside) . Bless his dear heart! He looks like a Red 
Cross Knight or a Dving Gladiator, or something. I suppose / 
ought to feel like a Roman matron, but I don't, a bit. 

Miss B. Dear, dear ! Do you realize, sir, that you have sacri- 
ficed all possibility of marrying my niece ? 

MoL. Aunt Ana! 

Tom. Is there no hope that future good conduct — 

Miss B. None whatever ! You must see that I stand on a prin- 
ciple, sir. 

MOL. That settles it, Tom. {Goes up c.) 

Tom. Then if I may have my coat — 

Miss 'Q. {re(urni7tg cigarettes to pocket). Oh, certainly ! (Tom 
takes coat, crosses L. c, takes hat, and returns R. F. Miss Blue- 
BLOODCHESTER takes boniiet front table, smooths stritigs ner- 
vously.) I — I trust we may see your sister at dinner with us to- 
morrow. 

Tom. Thank vou — yes. She needn't know about this shindy — 

Miss B. This'—? 

Tom. This unfortunate affair. It would be better if no one 
knew of it — not even Fred, Miss Blucher. (Miss Blueklood- 
CHESTER bows, lavs bonnet on chair, picks tip crocheting, sits on 
bonnet. Tom turns up stage.) Miss Blake ! (Molly runs down 
R. F., giving both hands to Tom.) You've got lots of pluck. Show 
"it up now, for Fred's sake. 

Mol. No, I won't. I'd like to box his bothersome ears this 
minute. But I'll be a Spartan or a whole book of martyrs iox your 
sake, you dear old boy. 

Tom. Well, I'm off now. Good-by for the present. 

(Exit Tom r. f.) 

Miss B. Dear, dear ! Molly, I hope you realize what a narrow 
escape you have had. 

MOL. I realize that my heart is broken, and I daresay I shall 
die presently. (Goes L. c, takes Tom's coat from chair, embraces 
it, carries it off c. Miss Bluebloodchester crochets by table, ttot 
observing Molly's exit.) 

Miss B. Hearts that are strengthened by principle never break, 
my dear. I too had a lover once (sighing) — such a gallant, hand- 
some man, but, alas ! so completely the slave of the deadly weed 
that he resisted all my efforts to save him. Of course I was 
obliged to break our engagement; but did my heart break? Did 
/die? No ; I still live, a woman of unbroken heart, mind, and 



THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. II 

principle. Molly, have you seen my bonnet.'' Molly {rising and 
looking aro7itid) — where z> the child.'' {Moves toward c.) Can 
she have taken away my — {Turns L. ; sees bonnet crushed on 
chair.) 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 

Scene. — The dining-room <?/" Christopher Oldboy's _flat. En- 
trances up R. and L. IVindows at back R. and l. Screen 
before entrance K. with coats, hats, shawls, etc., hung over it. 
I'able, c, dining-chairs R. c, L. c, R. F., L. F., and c. back- 
ground. Lamp, dishpan, and dishes on table. Workbasket 
on chair R. of table. Towels on cha^'rc. B. Christopher Old- 
boy discovered reading paper L. c. ; Mrs. Oldboy washing 
dishes at table facing front. 

Mrs. Oldboy. Yes, Chris dear, two-months' experience has 
convinced me that housekeeping in flats is the most delightful 
mode of existence imaginable. If the bedroom were a trifle larger 
so we could stand in front of the bureau without shutting up the 
bed, it would be just perfection. 

Christopher. Well, if we had a maid — 

Mrs. O. a maid ! Psliaw ! She would only be in the way. 
Now, you see, we are quite untrammeled by the presence of a third 
party. {Goesi^. c. atid embraces Chris.) 

Chris. Excuse me, darling, but your fingers seem to have soap 
on tiiem. 

Mrs. O. O lovey, I am so sorry. {Wipes Cnms' face with 
apron, returns c. and wipes dishes.) Yes, I should be the happiest 
woman alive if your father would forgive me for having been born 
in England. 

Chris. My father be hanged! {Goes behind IIks. O.. puts 
arms about her. She leans back with her head on his shoulder 
while continuing to wipe the cup she holds.) Never mind that 
hard-headed old rapscallion ; so long as we have each other — 
(Mrs. O. drops cup.) 

Mrs. O. That's the fourth this week! (Chris stoops to pick 
up fraginents J knocks head against table.') O lovey ! Are you 
hurt? Where is the Pond's Extract? 

CwKis {risi?ig and rubbitig head). It's in the cabinet we can't 
open without moving the bureau. Never mind, darling ; I'm all 
right. {Takes coat and hat from screen R.) Is there anything 
needed from the grocery ? I've some last Christmas errands to 
do. 



Ii2 THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES, 

Mrs. O. Nothing I think, dear. {Assists Chris with coat.) 
Don't be gone long, for this is our first Christmas Eve together. 

Chris. Til hurry. Good-by, httle woman. {Exit R.) 

Mrs. O. There ! He won't be back for half an hour, and I shall 
have time to finish those feet. {Ha?igs dishcloth over chair-back 
L. c.) Dear old boy ! He little thinks how I am working to earn 
money here at home, drawing pictures for, if not from, Life. 
{Takes drawing-block and pencil from basket r. c. and sits L. c.) 
Oh, me ! Shoes are so hard to make. It would be much easier to 
draw my girls without any feet, but it wouldn't do. The girls in 
the funny papers always have more French heels and lace petticoats 
than anything else. There! No girl could ever walk on those, so 
they must be all right. I hope my foreign nobleman isn't too re- 
spectable. {Holds block off and scrutinizes it anxiously. Knock 
at door R.) He looks rather like a bar-keeper, and he really ought 
to resemble a well-dressed tramp in order to be strictly humorous. 
{Attother kfiock^.) Perhaps if I made him cross-eyed — There! 
That's better ! {Laughs. Enter Americus Vespucius Oldboy 
R.) Ha, ha ! What a ridiculous object ! You're a regular scare- 
crow now, my dear old boy ! 

Am. Ves. Oldboy. By the stars and stripes ! A cheerful wel- 
come. 

Mrs. O. {jumping uP). Oh! How you startled me! 

A. V. O. What do you mean by calling me a scarecrow, ma'am? 

Mrs. O. Calling ^(7« a scarecrow ! 

A. V. O. I seem to be the only Oldboy present. 

Mrs. O. Oh, are you an Oldboy ? Christopher's uncle, perhaps ? 
I'm awfully glad to see you. Chris will be Jiome soon. Do sit 
down, Mr. Oldboy, and I'll explain about the scarecrow. {Assists 
A. V. O. to remove coat. He sits L. c. ; she hangs coat on screen.) 
Really, I was only talking to myself. 

A. V. 0. To yourself. 

Mrs. O. {sitting behind table c). Well, that is to a picture I am 
drawing to send to Life. {Hands block to A. V. O.) But don't 
tell Chris. 

A. V. O. {examining picture). George Washington! You 
must have had experience in drawing scarecrows, ma'am. And are 
these {pointing) the crows? 

Mrs. O. No; those are the girl's feet. I always draw her feet 
first. You see, this is to represent a foreign nobleman making love 
to an American beauty. I shall just send the picture, and Life is 
sure to have a joke to match. 

A. V. O. Oh, the scarecrow is a foreign nobleman. {Hands 
block to Mrs. O., who coficeals it in workbasket and sits c. B. 
agaiti.) But you've got English aristocracy in your own veins, I' ve 
been told, ma'am. 

Mrs. O. I haven't got it very badly. I only wish Christopher's 
father knew what a loyal American I am at heart. Tell me, is he 
really a hard-headed old rapscallion? 



THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 1 3 

A. V. O. He's a representative American citizen, that's what he 
is, by George Washington ! 

Mrs. O. But do you think he'll ever forgive me my Engiisli par- 
entage? {Rises suddenly.) Hark! There's Chris ! \Goesv.., 
and meets Mq-lu^ enteriiii^.) Molly! Alone? Where's Tom? 

MoL. At the bottom of the canal by this time probably. {Re- 
moves gloves.) 

Mrs. O. Good gracious ! What has happened ? (A. V. O. 
rises and retires c. B., where he gazes at a picture between win- 
dows.) Have you been quarrelling again ? 

Mol. Hilda! We never quarrelled. 

Mrs. O. No, dear, of course not. {Leads M'olly to chair l. c, 
kneels beside her, assisting her to retnove wraps.) But what is 
the matter? 

Mol. It's all that horrid Freddy and his nasty cigarettes. Aunt 
Ana found a box of them in his overcoat pocket this morning and 
was just starting to make a fuss, when my poor, clear, heroic Tom 
flung himself into the breach and declared the coat was his. Of 
course Aunt Ana got up on her principles ; and so Tom's happi- 
ness and mine are to be sacrificed on the altar for that miserable 
boy. {Presses handkerchief to eves.) 

Mrs. O. You aren't going to give Tom up? 

Mol. Well, I guess not ! Aunt Ana sha'n't trample on me as 
if I were a worm or plank-walk or something. I mean to see Tom 
at every opportunity, beginning to-night. 

Mrs'. O. To-night? 

Mol. To-night ! They have a telephone. Surely you may in- 
vite whom you please to call at your own flat ? 

Mrs. O. {rises and lays wraps on chair l. f.). Of course. I'll 
run down to the office this minute. {Takes off apron, turns up 
stage, sees A. V. O.) Oh, I forgot Christopher's uncle. Mr. Old- 
boy (A. V. O. turns), this is my sister, Miss Bhike. (Molly 
and A. V. O. bow.) Will you excuse me while I do some tele- 
phoning ? Molly will stay and amuse you. ( Takes cloak from 
screen?) 

Mol. {rising). Hilda, let me go. 

Mrs. O. {severely). No, Molly; /am a married womm, but a 
young girl like you cannot be too careful of the proprieties. 
{LaUi^hino.) It's loads of fun being married, Molly. {Exit R.) 

Mol. The idea ! She's only been married tiiree months her- 
self. {Turns c, arid sees A. V. O. glowering at her and coming 
down R.) What a cross-looking old man ! He's just like a burglar 
or a private detective or something. 

A. V. O. Well, young woman, you're another foreign humbug, 
I take it. 

Mol. I am of English birth, sir. 

A. V. O. Well, /'m Yankee straight from the word go. A rep- 
resentative American citizen, by George Washington ! I dessay 
you know who George Washington was? 



14 THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 

MOL. {sitting on corner of table). Oh, yes ; George was another 
representative' American citizen, noted for telling the biggest lie on 
record. 

A. V. O. Great George ! He was the man who could not tell a 

lie. 

MOL. So he said. Isn't that fair proof that he was the greatest 
prevaricator in history? 

A. V. O. By the American Eagle ! Such impudence is worthy 
an offspring of the English aristocracy. {Sits on basket in chair 
R. c.) The devil! {Springs np and knocks basket on floor.') 

MOL. /^wc'///^/- representative American citizen, Mr. Oldboy ? 

A. V. O. What does your sister mean by littering the room up 
so a man can't find a place to sit down ? {Examines chair and 
sits again carefully.') 

MoL. She can't do anything else in this little chicken-coop. 
Chris is too poor to have a house, and his horrid old father won't 
lift a finger to help him. 

A. V. O. Are you aware, young woman, that Christopher Old- 
boy married in defiance of his father's wishes ? 

MOL. Of course. He'd have been a worse cad than his father 
if he hadn't. Any man who would be such an obstinate old donkey 
as to try to ruin his son's life for the sake of a cranky notion, de- 
serves to have his wishes defied. So! 

A. V. O. Great George, ma'am! Do yoM know who you are 
talking to ? 

MoL. Yes, I do. You are Christopher's father, Americus Ves- 
pucius Oldboy. If you want to travel about incog., I should ad- 
vise you to leave your individuality at home hereafter. 

A. V. O. And you dared to call me a donkey to my face — an 
obstinate old donkey, ma'am ? 

MoL. Why not? I've always been dying to tell you what I 
thought of you. {Looks at watch, goes to window L. and looks 
out.) 

A. V. O. {aside). By the stars and stripes ! Her independence 
is American, at least. '{Alond.) You're inclined to kick over the 
traces yourself, I take it. 

MoL. You heard what I said to Hilda, then? 

A. V. O. Young people nowadays seem to forget that they 
owe a duty — 

MoL. Pardon me, Mr. Oldboy, /(^/z forget that children are not 
taxable articles. I was imported into this country without duty. 
{Crosses towiiidoiv R.) 

A. V. O. {chnckling). Bright as an American dollar, by George 
— Washington! Your young man's got grit, I take it? 

MOL. {coming down to table c). He's a hero ! 

A. V. O. American, I'll be bound. 

MoL Yes ; pure Yankee. O Mr. Oldboy, would you mind if 
I went after Hilda? I'm afraid something has happened to Tom, 
she is gone so lonsf. 



THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 15 

A. V. O. Run along, girl. I'm all right. (Molly Az/fv^ shawl 
from screen, and exit r.) Now why in the United States didn't 
Chris marry that girl instead of the other one .'' {Rises and walks 
about stage examining furniture.) Mrs. Christopher seems harm- 
less enough, but she's a good deal of a fool. Hm ! Disliwater 
cold in the pah, dish-rags on the backs of the chairs, the family 
wardrobe draped over the dining-room screen, Mrs. O.'s vvorlvbasl<et 
on the floor, Mrs. O. herself drawing pictures of scarecrows ! Well, 
it's no worse than I expected. " Couldn't do anything else in a 
chicken-coop," eh ? And I'm an obstinate old donkey, am I ? 
Well, I'm a representative American citizen, and I'll stick up for 
the stars and stripes as long as they wave, and hurrah for the 
American eagle as long as she flaps her wings, by George — Wash- 
ington ! (Stands c. F. wit/i Ids back to door R, Enter MiSS Blu- 

CHER R.) 

Miss B. Dear, dear! Is no one at home? 

A. V. O. {turning). Anastasia Bkicher, by all that's American ! 

Miss B. Dear, dear! Americus, is it really you? Where are 
my glasses ? 

A. V. O. Great George ! This is more than I bargained for. 
(Retreats L.) " 

Miss B. {advancing l. f.). Americus, have you at last for- 
given Christopher for marrying my niece? 

A. V. O. Your niece? Worse and more of it ! {Leans against 
wall L. F.) 

Miss B. Can't you extend your generosity a little and forgive 
me the wound I inflicted thirty years ago, for conscience' sake? 
{Holds out hand.) 

A. V. O. {sidles up stage. Miss V>. following). No, ma'am, no ; 
this is not an extension treaty. Wiiy wasn't I told tliat Christo- 
pher was marrying /^;«r niece ? 

Miss B. Dear, dear ! Didn't he write you ? 

A. V. O. He wrote me tliat the aunt's name was Blue — blood 
— Chester, ma'am. 

Miss B. Yes, yes ; I see. The mistake was a natural one. 
When you and I were — well ! Dear, dear ! — 

A. V. O. {grimly). In the soup. Go on ! {Continues to sidle 
around stage. Miss ]i. following step fo?- step, facing him ) 

Miss B. Knowing your prejudices, I spelled my name as it is 
pronounced — B-1-u-c-h-e-r. But, being an English name, it is not 
pronounced as it is spelled ; so when Christopher sent you the 
correct orthography, you, being American, did not — er — grasp 
the situation. 

A. V. O. Well, I guess not ! Who but a heathen or an Eng- 
lishman would think of prononncino: B-l-u-e-b-1 double o-d-c-h-e-s- 
t-e-r, Blucher? Great George ! We'd better ship off a few Ameri- 
can missionaries to teach the English aristocracy how to spell, 
I'm thinking ! 

Miss B. Dear, dear ! But the Bluchers are not of the aris- 



l6 THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 

tocracy, Americus. Believe me, we never had even a knight in 
the family. 

A. V. O. It's all the same thing. You broke off with me thirty 
vears ago because you were of English birth and a plain Ameri- 
can citizen wasn't good enough for you — tliat's why. 

Miss B. You kfiow it was because you were addicted to smok- 
ing, Americus, and declined to be reformed. 

A. V. O. {^stopping!.. F.). I still smoke, ma'am. 

Miss B. {stopping r. f.). And / am still of English birth, 
Americus. Dear, dear ! This is very trying to my mind. Where 
is my pocket .'' {Sniffs and gropes in folds ofgow)i.) 

A. V. O. Great George ! She's going to turn on her tears. 
{Seizes disli-cloth from chair L-- c, holding it out at ami's length.) 
Here, ma'am, take this, and for Liberty's sake call it square ! 

Miss B. {holds dish-cloth to eyes) . Your wife is dead, Americus ? 

A. V. O. She is, ma'am ; she died ten years ago. 

Miss B. Dear, dear ! Americus, what did you have on your 
handkerchief? Heavens ! I shall lose my eyesight ! {Screws eyes 
shut, holds dish-cloth out in right liand, gropes for pocket with left.) 

A. V. O. {taking cloth). Great George! It's soap! I should 
advise you, ma'am, to bathe your eyes instantly in clear water, if 
there is such a commodity in this confounded new-fangled hole. 

Miss B. {groping her way to door l.). Don't swear on my 
account, Americus ; don't, I beg of you. {Exit L.) 

A. V. O. By the stars and stripes ! A few more such surprises 
would shatter even the Constitution of the United States! 

{Enter Mrs. O., Molly, and Chris r.) 

Mrs. O. {coining down r. c. f.). Here he is ! How could you 
deceive me so, you dreadful man? 

MOL. {coming do7vn L. F.). To hear Hilda tell Chris about his 
eccentric uncle — 'twas rich ! 

Chris, {coming down r. f.). Father, I am glad to welcome 3'ou 
to my — er — flat. * 

A. V. O. (l. c. f., tncking dish-cloth in pocket). Sh-h-h! 
{Points to door L. and beckons the others to approach. Molly, 
Chris, Mrs. O., advance c. f.) Anastasia Blue-blood-chester 
is in that room. 

Mol. ) 

Chkis. [ Aunt Ana ! 

Mrs. O. \ 

Mol. And Tom will be here in two minutes. 

Mrs. O. What a situation! Chris, bring the lamp into the 
parlor. Molly, stay here and head Tom off! I'll tell Aunt Ana 
you stopped to speak to somebody outside. Come, Mr. Oldboy. 
bh, dear! Why did she come after Molly to-night of all nights ? 

Mol. Perhaps she thought I'd eloped. {Exitall but Molly, 
wJto remains l. f. Stage dark. Enter TOM R.) 

Tom. Hallo, the house ! 



,THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. I7 

MOL. Sh-h-h! 

Tom. Molly ! Why don't you light up? 

MoL. Aunt Ana's in the other room. Where are you ? 

Tom. The mischief she is ! I'm lost. I wish you'd come and 
find me. 

MoL. Standstill then. {Advances cautiously ; vieeis Tom c. f.) 
Is this you ."* 

Tom. On the whole, I think it is. 

MoL. What's this ? 

Tom. It's Fred's coat. I thought Chris might smuggle it 
home to-morrow. Oh, by Jove ! those cigarettes are in the pocket. 
Let me get them out of the way. {Takes out cigarettes and d>ops 
them.) The mischief! I've dropped them. {Stoops and fiun- 
bles 071 fioor.) 

MoL. Wait a minute ! There are matches on the table. {Feels 
on table and knocks dishpan on floor with a bang.) Good Gra- 
cious ! Run, Tom ! They'll all be here in a minute.. 

Tom. But the cigarettes ! 

MoL. Never mind. I can explain them better than I can you. 
{Guides Tom to door R., returns R. F. Enter Chris with lamp L.,- 
followed by Mrs. O., Miss B., and A. V. O.) 

Mrs. O. What has happened, Molly .^ 

MoL. I knocked the dishpan on the floor trying to find a — 
drink. {Looks aro7ind floor.) 

Mrs. O. Is that all? {To Chris.) Thank fortune, Tom is 
gone! {Kneels r. of table, wiping floor ; Chris sets lamp on table ; 
A. V. O. stands L. C. ; MisS B. comes L. F.) 

Miss B. Dear, dear! Molly, how could you be so careless? 
{Examines floor.) I suppose the carpet is ruined. So unfortu- 
nate ! {Picks up cigarettes:) What ? Yes ! It is / {Holds tip 
box.) 

Mrs. O. "^ C Goodness!'^ 

Chris. > Great \ Scott ! > That box of cigarettes ! 

A .V. O.) I George! ) 

Miss B. Molly, I know Christopher never uses these vile things. 
You alone can explain their presence here. 

MoL. {recklessly.) What ! You think / use them ? Well — 
perhaps I do. 

A. V. O. {aside). By George Washington ! Young America 
not being here to come to the rescue, we'll see what an Oldboy can 
do. {Comes down c.) What's the trouble, Miss Blue-Blood- 
chester? {Takes box from Mlss B . and opens it.) Christopher, 
I suppose there's no objection to my taking a bit of representative 
American comfort, outside, in the corridor ? {Takes out cigarette 
and prepares to light it.) I dropped these cigarettes. 

CURTAIN. 



1 8 THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 



ACT III. 

Scene. — Same as Act I. Comb and spirit-lamp on table L. 

Freddy sits r. of table; Phyllis stands behind him, twisting 

curling-iron in his hair. 

Phyl. Bear up a little longer. Raphael's cherubs won't be 
" in it" with you when you're done. 

Fred. Hm! Dante's Inferno illustrated by Dord would better 
express my feelings. Don't twist that scalping-machine any 
tiijhter. 

"Phyl. There ! That's a beauty ! {Holds iron in flame of 
lamp.) But, as I was saying, I don't believe Molly would have 
Tom after all. It would take something more than the headache 
he talks about to keep him away from here to-day. {Twists iron 
in Fred's hair.) 

Fred. Great guns, Phyl ! Put that thing on ice. {ferks head 
azuay; Phyllis blotuson iron.) Of course Auntie Tobacco League 
is at the bottom of the row. 

Phyl. I move that you and I do something to help these two 
unfortunate spoons. {Twists iron in hair.) You ought to know 
Miss Blucher's soft side by this time. . 

Fred. Jove! I've got it! {Starts up.) Ow! Hang the 
curling-iron! {Rises.) Look here, I call time! You've curled me 
so tight I can't shut my eyes, and that's enough for one day. 
{B lotus out lamp.) 

Phyl. Let me comb it out. {Runs comb through Freddy's 
hair.) There! You're simply out of sight. 

Fred. I wish I were till after dinner. 

Phyl. But what's your idea? Quick, before Molly comes! 
{Kneels on chair R. of table, ficiu:; Freddy, who sits l.) 

Fred. This morning at breakfast Aunt Ana informed us that 
Christopher's governor is to be at this hilarious family party to-day. 
It seems she and he used to be engaged. 

Phyl. Oh, come! Not really? 

Fred. Fact; on my word. When she thought 'slie had him 
safe, she tried to work the reform act on him ; hut as the old man 
wouldn't give up his weed, the game was called off. Now I believe 
that if he should propose to her to-day she'd take him quicker than 
a wink, tobacco and all. After which the old man would have dead 
easy fruit reforming her morals. There's nothing half so soft as an 
old maid in love. 

Phyl. But where do you and I come in on that idea ? 

Fred. Why of course the old chap won't pop the question again 
on his own hook. We've got to rope him into a corner that he 
can't crawl out unless he pops. See? 

Phyl. I don't see the corner. 

Fred. Keep still and think one up. 



THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. I9 



{Turns his back to Phyllis, resthtg elbows on knees and head in 
hands. Both frown thoiig/itfuliy .) 

Phyl. IVe got it ! 
Fred, {turning). So have I ! 

Phyl. {pointing citr lino-iron at Freddy). Look here ! We'll — 
Vkkt). {seizing end of iron). No, hold on. Let's — {Both pause 
and look at each other.) Don't talk to me for a minute. 

(Freddy turns face l. as before, rests cheek on hand which grasped 
iron, makes black mark; Phyllis rubs iron against her cheek 
and makes black mark. Enter Molly and A. V. O. c.) 

MoL. Come in and sit down, Mr. Oldboy ; Aunt Ana will be 
down in a moment. What! Have you children been quarrelling 
again ! (Freddy and Phyllis rise and face Molly.) What 
have you been doing to your faces .^ 

Fred, {pointing at V^wlia's). Jove, Phyl! You ought to see 
yourself. 

Phyl. {also pointing). Don't talk. You ^r^ like Dante's In- 
ferno now. 

Fred. It's your old scalping-machine. 

{Exit r. Vhyiaas follows with lamp, iron, etc.) 

A. V. O. {laughing and sittinq l. c). Quite some sweetheart- 
ing going on around here, I take it. 

MoL. {going \.. a7id a7-ranging articles on table). It does look 
suspicious. We might have caught them under the mistletoe if we 
had come sooner. 

A. V. O. Oho ! There's mistletoe in the air. 

MoL. Yes; over the door. {Points c.) An old English cus- 
tom, so I suppose you would taboo it. {Crosses R.) 

A. V. O. By no means, ma'am. Even Great Britain doesn't 
claim a patent right on kissing, and American mistletoe is the finest 
in the world ; and Brother Jonathan's right to combine the two is 
just as good as John Bull's. Suppose I prove it to you here and 
now. Come ; I'm a harmless old fellow. Wliat do you sav? 

MoL. {aside). The "true American spirit of pro<jression." 
with a vengeance! Yet why shouldn't 1 gratify the whim of an old 
man who might have been my uncle '? {Aloud.) Well, Mr. Old- 
boy, if you will take it as a token of my gratitude for your rescue 
pf Tom and me last night — 

A. V. O. Tut, girl ! You didn't think it was only the young- 
sters who could step in and help a lady out of a tight corner, did 
you ? 

MoL. Perhaps, later on, if there were nobody here — I might 
— just to show how grateful I am — but here are the children. 



20 THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 

{Enter Phyllis and Freddy r.) 

This is Miss Phyllis Darling, Mr. Oldboy (A. V. O. rises) ; and 
this is my brother Frederick. 

(Freddy and A. V. O. shake hands c. ; Molly and Phyllis^^i? up 
R. and sit on sofa.) 

A. V. O. You're another sprig of the English aristocracy, I 
take it. 

Fred. Well, my feelings are straight United States, sir. The 
stars and stripes are good enough for me. 

A. V. O. By the American eagle, I like your spirit, young man! 
You smoke? {Produces cigarettes.) Take 'em all ; 1 never smoke 
that kind myself. 

Fred. Thanks ; please keep them till later. My aunt has 
principles, you know, and I don't carry cigarettes when she's in the 
room. At college, of course, a fellow's bound to do what the other 
fellows do. 

A. V. O. {pocketing cigarettes). Oh, you're one of the fellows 
are you ? Then I dessay you could engineer a little matter for an 
old codger who's a trifle rusty on such deals himself.'' 

Fred, {aside). Jove! The old boy's getting gay. {Aloud.) I 
could try, sir! 

A. V. O. {drawing Freddy down L.). That sister of yours is a 
very likely young woman, sir ; and she's consented to meet me 
under the mistletoe yonder. Now you'll be doing me a turn I 
won't foro-et if you'll draw off the rest of the party and leave us a 
clear field. 

Fred, {aside). Great guns! Here's a corner made to order! 
{Aloud.) That's easily fixed, sir; trust me. But by Jove! It's 
a good thing for you that my sister is already spoken for. In 
England when a man kisses a girl under the mistletoe, it's consid- 
ered the same as an out-and-out proposal. 

A. V. O. Great George! You don't say so? 

Fred, (noddifig). A man's in iionor bound to pop the question 
after that ; he can be sued for breach of promise if he doesn't. But 
of course that won't count with Molly. 

{Enter Miss Blucher c.) 

Miss B. {shaking hands with A. V. O. l. c.) Dear, dear! So 
sorry not to have been here to welcome you on your arrival, Mr. 
01d!-)oy, but I have been looking everywhere for my glasses. 
Molly — 

Fked. Why, they're on your nose, auntie. 

Miss B. Dear, dear ! so they are. Frederick, did you brush 
your hair before you came down ? Is that Phyllis on the sofa ? 
&lad to see you, dear. Mr. Oldboy, shall we indulge in a little 
recreation while we wait for Hilda and Christopher? {Goes l. f. 
and sits l. of table.) Sit there please. {Points to chair R. of table. 



THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 21 

A. V. O. sits. Freddy beckons to Molly and Phyllis, and all 
three exit c.) You are not averse to a friendly game ? (jDpens 
Tiddledywinks box.) 

A. V. O. Not at all, ma'am. What limit ? 

Miss B. Limit ? Not any- 

A. V. O. VVhew-vv-w ! (Miss B. sets Tiddledywinks pot on 
table.) What's that? 

Miss B. That's the pot. 

A. V. O. {aside). This beats all the poker I ever played. I 
s'pose the pot's glass so 'twill be easier to break. (Miss B. hands 
him six chips. Aloud.) Are these all the reds, ma'am .'' 

Miss B. Yes ; but your winks are not in line. 

A. V. O. My winks ? Excuse me, but what kind of poker do 
you call this ? 

Miss B. Dear, dear ! You didn't think / would play poker, 
Americus? This is Tiddledywinks. You just shoot the winks into 
the pot — so {shoots wink into pot), and when they're all in you 
empty them out and begin again. It's very soothing. 

A. V. O. 1 should guess yes. One of Mrs. Winslow's patents 
for babes in arms, I dessay. Will you open the soothing-match, 
ma'am? {They play Tiddledywinks.) 

Miss B. I find that to a woman of mind and grinciple like my- 
self an occasional relaxation is quite essential. 

A. V. O. You're right, ma'am. The oftener you relax your 
principles, the better. 

Miss B. Not my principles, Americus. 

A. V. O. Your principles, ma'am. If you had relaxed them 
thirty years ago, you and I might have been enjoying a good 
American game of poker to-day instead of chasing a lot of little 
buttons around a finger-bowl ; and if you had relaxed them a little 
yesterday, that likely niece of yours wouldn't be sitting around as 
limp and spiritless as a bundle of rags on Christmas day. I 
wouldn't have believed you could be so hard on a child like that, 
Anastasia. 

Miss B. Dear, dear! Don't reproach me, Americus. You 
know that a man who would break a promise — 

A. V. O. Hold hard, Anastasia ; I know a woman who broke a 
promise once. 

{Enter Freddy, Molly, rt«^ Phyllis c.) 

Miss B. Americus ! 

A. V . O. Fact, ma'am ; what does Shakespeare say about a 
beam and a mote ? 

Fred, {coming down l). How's the game? 

Miss B. We have each one to put in. 

Fred, {dodging). Great guns! What's that ? 

Miss B. {startlea). What ? 

Fred, {looking at ceiling). Something flew right over your 
head. I think it was a bat. 



22 THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 

Miss B. {throwing handkercJdef over her head), A bat! Good 
Heavens ! Where is it ? Americus ! Dear, dear ! Where has 
it gone? 

Fred. {Jlapping hatidkerchief and running about stage). There ! 
Look out, Mr. Oldboy. In the corner ! 

{Drags chair from R. of table to R. F., stands on it atid flaps hand- 
kerchief. Miss 1^. jumps tip screaming and runs c. Molly 
puts handkerchief over head and dodges about. Phyllis stands 
on sofa and flaps at ceiling. A. V. O. runs about waving a 
newspaper.) 

Phyl. Here he is. Look out, Miss Blucher ! 
A. V. O. There he goes. Run, Anastasia ! 
Fred. Stand from under, auntie. He's after you. 
Miss B. {dodging and shrieking). Dear, dear! which way did 
you say he was coming? 

Mol. Auntie, let's go away till they catch him. Come, PhyL 

(Miss B., Molly, and Phyllis rtm off c. YKKQjutnps off chair, 
and A. V. O. stands inopping brow L. c.) 

Fred. Quick work that. 

A. V. O. But I didn't want to meet/^w under the mistletoe, you 
young monkey. 

Fred. Oh, Moll will be back in a minute. She's gone to lead 
the others off. Now you're into this business, why don't you do it 
up in style ? {Goes to c. E.) You ought to hide behind the cur- 
tain, so {stands at side of door and pulls C7irtain to hide himself 
from any one entering), and when she comes, just step behind her 
quick, and — off she goes. See? 

A. V. O. Yes, I see. 

Fred. 'Twould be lots less embarrassing to spring it on her 
sort of unawares like that. Well, Fll go hurry the procession. 

{Exit Fred c.) 

A. V. O. I'm to do the thing up in style, eh ? Hm ! Well, it's 
a ticklish piece of business at best, and I'm not so young as I used 
to be ; so I'd better take what precautions I can. {Gets behind 
curtain.) By the stars and stripes ! This is scarcely a dignified 
position for a representative American citizen. What if Christo- 
pher — Ah! She's coming. (is";//^r Miss B., c. K.V.O. steps 
quickly behind her, places his hands on her shoulders, and salutes 
her cheeky There ! Is tliat the proper caper? 

Miss B. {shrieking). O Americus, what does this mean ? 

A. V. O. Great George ! Anastasia! 

Miss B. Americus, how could you ? I — I feel faint- Where 
are you? _ •'••":_• 



THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. ^3 



(A. V. O. coims forward ; Miss B. drops into his arms; he drags 
her to chair L. c, and pats her back.') 

A. V. O. {aside). Drat that boy! I'll bet he let me in for this 
on purpose. Brace up, Anastasia. On my word, I thought it was 
your niece. 

Miss B. {siitini^ upright). My niece! Sir — 

A. V. O. Hold on! I — drat it all! I thought it was your 
other niece. Surely even in England a man can't be sued for kiss- 
ing his own daughter-in-law under the mistletoe ? {Tramps fiercely 
about stage.) 

Miss B. In England mistletoe is not considered a necessary 
adjunct of a paternal embrace. No, Americus ; it was not for 
Hilda you intended this insult. {Rubs cheek 7'igoroHsly.) 

A. V. O. Hold hard, ma'am ! The insult landed on the other 
side. 

Mis,5^. {rubbing the other cheek). That is a minor detail. I 
repeat my original question — What, sir, does this mean .'' 

A. V. O. {aside). Great George! I'm in for it. {Aloud, 
standing c.) Well, Anastasia, we're not in England, but you're 
an English woman, and I want to act as a man of honor should. 
One thing, however, must be understood between us, — the name 
of Mrs. Americus Vespucius Oldboy is never to be connected 
with any Anti-Tobacco Leagues. 

Miss B. {bewildered). Americus! 

A. V. O. Yes, ma'am ; on these terms only I offer you once 
more the hand and heart of a representative American citizen — by 
George — Washington ! 

Miss B. Americus! Dear, dear! 

A. V. O. Consider tlie terms, ma'am. You take me and my 
tobacco or you don't take either of us. Which is it to be? 

Miss B. {rising and going R. F.). Dear, dear! This very sud- 
den — after thirty years of silence — and yet, — I don't wish to hurt 
anybody's feelings for the sake of a prejudice — so on the whole — 
let it be — 

A. V. O. Both? Neither? 

Miss B. Dear, dear! Well — both ! 

A. V. O. {shakifig both her hands). Thank you, ma'am, thank 
you. {Gazes at her doubtfully.) Ahem ! What do you say to my 
balancing things up with an "insult" on the other cheek — eh? 

Miss B. O Americus ! 

{They embrace. Enter Chris., Molly, Mrs. Oldboy, Phyllis, 
and Freddy c. They stand in a row across rear of stage, and 
all cough together. A. V. O. and Miss. B. turtt.) 

Chris. Well, father! 

Mrs. O. and Molly {together). Why, Aunt Ana ! 

Fred. By Jove, Mr. Oldboy, you seem to be right in it ! ; 



24 THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 

A. V. O. Eh ? What? Freddy, you young rascal, — well, I 
forgive you. Come along, children, and pay your respects to the 
future Mrs. Aniericus Vespucius Oldboy. 

(Chris and Mrs. O. come forward ; Molly sits on sofa ; Freddy 
atid Phyllis congratulate each other up L; Mrs. O. embraces 
Miss B. ; Chris and A. V. O. shake hands.) 

Chris. Well, father, I suppose the fact of your contracting a 
British-American alliance of your own proves that you no longer 
object to mine. 

A. V. O. Yes, yes, boy. Family quarrels can't last over Christ- 
mas-time. Peace on earth, you know. But look here, Christo- 
pher. {Draws Chris down c. F.) While you were about it, why 
on earth didn't you marry the other one .'' 

CuKls. {laughing). Who? Molly? 

A. V. O. {?iodding). She's a regular little goddess of Liberty, 
Christopher. By the way, where is she now? {Goes up R. and 
takes Molly's hand.) Come, Anastasia, Christmas Day is the 
time for forgiving and forgetting. Send for this young woman's 
perfidious young man and let's have peace and good-will all 'round. 

Miss B. Dear, dear! The truth is, Americus, I was so im- 
pressed by your view of the subject, as you expressed it this after- 
noon, that i have already sent word for him to come over at once. 
(Molly rises.) 

Phyl. {drawing aside curtain and looking off c.). And I just 
heard the door shut. Yes, here he is. {Enter Tom C.) 

MoL. Oh Tom — Darling ! {Pushes him back and both exit c). 

Fred. Well, they are out of sight! 

Mrs. O. What a picture for — 

Chris. What? 

Mrs. O. {sitting 'r. f.). Nothing. 
(Chris takes drawing from his pocket; Mrs. O. rises to get it, 

etc., during scene whicii follows. A. V. O. and Miss B. sit on 

sofa ; Phyllis leans on back of chair L. c. ; Freddy sits on arm 

of same chair.) 

Phyl. {aside to Fred). Now work in your society small talk, 
so no one will notice how long they are gone. {Aloud.) By the 
way, Fred, that was quite a funny joke yesterday, Torri's wearing 
your coat home instead of his own. 

Fred, {laughing). That was funny. He took some things out 
of my pocket while he was in possession, too. 

Miss B. {leaning forward) . Frederick, do I Understand that 
Mr. Darling wore your coat away from here yesterday? 

Fred. Yes; it's just like his — 

Miss B. {rising). Then those were your cigarettes in the 
pocket ; and I have been reproaching him for a fault tliat was 
yours. Dear, dear! {Enter Tom and Molly, c. Miss B. seizes 
Tom's left hand.) Mr. Darling, your sister has just told us that it 



THAT BOX OF CIGARETTES. 2$ 

was Frederick's coat you wore away from here yesterday ; and 
those cigarettes and all the blame belonged to /z/w. Dear, dear ! — 

Fred, {seizing Tom's right hand). I say, old fellow, you didn't 
really — come now, have I been at the bottom of all the row ? Hang 
it, why didn't somebody tell me ? 

Tom. Phyllis, what have you said ? 

Phyl. Have I been making another break.'' Honestly, I didn't 
mean to ; but it's no use. I'm bound to put my foot in it somehow. 
{Slips behind curtain c, wrapping them around her so that only 
tier head shows between them.) 

A. V. O. {going behind FRiiD and laying his hand on his shoul- 
der). In Liberty's name, what's the use of all this fuss? Come, 
Anastasia, forgive this young monkey and let's have peace. We 
mustn't forget that it's Christmas Day, by George — Washington! 

Miss B. Dear, dear! So it is ; and we are all ready for dinner 
— quite a family party. (A. V. O. and Fred^^ dotun L. ; Tom^<7^j- 
behind chair on arm of which Molly sits l. c.) Molly, what did I 
do with the key of the wine-cellar? 

Mol. You said you should stick it in your back hair so you 
would be sure to know where it was, auntie. 

Miss. B. Dear, dear! So I did. {Takes key from hair, and 
starts to go R.) 

Mrs. O. Phyl, you ridiculous child, what are you supposed to 
be doing ? 

{All look at Phyl. A. V. O. nudges Fred and points to mistle- 
toe. Fred slips into backgro7ind and edges toward Phyllis.) 

Phyl. I was just thinking that my foot seems to be the only 
part of me that is " in it " just now. 

Mol. Why, Phyl, it wasn't your fault the cat got out of the bag. 

Tom. We'll forgive you, youngster, now that everything is 
serene. 

Fred, {seizing Phyllis still wrapped in the curtains). You 
may not be " in it," but by Jove ! you're plumb under it. I told you 
I'd catch you, old girl ! (^Kisses her.) 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



Freddy. 


Phyllis. 


Tom. 


Miss. B. 


Molly. 




A. V. 0. 


Chris. 




Mrs. O. 



ANOTHER "COUNTRY SCHOOL." 



THE "OLD-FASHIONED 

HUSK 





AN OLD FOLKS ENTERTAINMENT IN ONE SCENE. 



By NETTCE H. PELHAM. 



For eleven male and flve-female cliaracters, and as many more as desired. 
Scene, the interior of a barn, easily arranged ; costumes, old fashioned. Plays 
forty minutes or more, according to number of songs and specialties introduced. 
Very easy to get up, and very funny. An excellent introduction for a danc«, 
supper or sociable, where a mixed entertainment is desired. 
Price 15 Cents. 

SVNOPSIS: 
SCENE. — Uncle Nathan's barn. Bobby and Scipio. In black and white. A 
few conundrums. " Silence am gold." Gathering of the neighbors. IMusic 
and fun. Thomas Jefferson is heard from. " Von leedle song," by Solomon 
Levi, Betsy and Josiah. A leap-year courtship. Algernon Fitznoodle and 
Little Lord Fauntleroy. The dude and the darling. Fitznoodle takes a 
tumble. Patrick and Ah Sin. Kace prejudices. Harmony out of discord. 
Music. Betsy and the swing. A little mistake. Betsy recites. The 
HUMANIPHONE. Pat aud Kitty. The red ear. " Hurrah for supper ! " 



A DOUBLE SHUFFLE 



.A. COIvIEID'^ IIT OliTE -A-COT. 



By HARRY O. HANLON. 



Three male and two female characters. Scenery and costumes very simple. 
An admirable little parlor piece, playing about thirty-five minutes. Fred 
Somers, a collegian, with a taste for practical joking, tries to play a little joke 
on his sister and his fiancee, but they succeed in turning the tables completely 
upon him aud his two college chums. Very bright and amusing. A sure hit. 

Price, .... 15 Cents. 



A NEW PLAY FOR GIRLS. 



The Chaperon, 

A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS, 

By RACHEL E. BAKER, 

PART AUTHOR OF " AFTER TAPS," ETC. 



Fifteen female characters. Scenery not difficult. Costumes, tennis gowns 

and modern street and evening gowns, with picturesque 

Gypsy costumes for Miriam and Jill. Time 

in playing, two and a half hours. 

Price 2."; cents. 

SVNOPSIS: 

ACT I. Jack AXD Jill. A love game. Cousins for sale. " My kingdom for 
a hairpin." Tlie French teacher. A few c.-nundninis. Miriam and Jill. 
The Gyp-'^j's blessing. Nora and the French liin;;nage. HilUt-loux and 
Billy iManahan. An invitation. "1 m ill he your chaperon ! " Telling for- 
tunes. Tin; Ticx-Ni.s Drill. Tales out of school. J;iyce and the beggars. 
Theaccuxmion. Joyce to the rescue. "1 cannot look into your eyes and 
believe yiui guilty." Under a cloud. The Gypsy's prophecy. ".Miriam the 
Gypsy has spoken, and she never breaks her word." 

ACT II. The Chaperon. In the studio. Nora and the man in armor. A 
spiritual manifestation. Eavesdropping, Locked in. The artist's model. 
A little lark. The bogus chaperon. The skeleton in the closet. Komeo 
and Juliet adapted. Miriam the Gypsy. The secret of the papers. "God 
be with them and with those to whom they belong ! " Masquerading. 
Nora's jig. A surprise and an escape. The school-ma'am outwitted. The 
MIXUKT. Jill and Joyce. The locket. " It means that the waif has found 
a home at last ! " Sisters. The Gypsy again. " Your duty lies with them, 
make their lives as happy as you have mine." 

ACT III. "Like Other Girl.s." A five o'clock tea. Anticipations. The 
French teacher again. A lesson in politeness. A nice hot cup of tea. 
Nora's revenge. Apologies. Mademoiselle's confession. 1 took it ; it was 
only for ze revenge." Forgiveness. "Rushing tea." Confessions. From 
grave to gay. An Adamless Eden. Superfluous man : a few portraits of 
him. Explanations. The fulfilment of Miriam's prophecy. A mystery 
cleared, ' ' The little one 1 mourned as dead is alive." Our chaperon. 



A NEW PLAY FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS. 

A Compa7iton to ''REBECCA'S TRIUMPH:' 

ANITA'S TRIAL; 

Or, Our Girls in Camp. 

By Esther B. Tiffany, author of "A Rice Pudding," "Tliat Patrick," 

" Young Mr. Pritchard," etc. 

Price, ^_-----»5 cents. 

This is a bright and sparkling comedy in three acts, for eleven 
female characters. Its story is entertaining, and its dialogue dis- 
tinguished by this author's delicate humorous touch. One scene only 
is necessary for the three acts— a camp in the woods, easily arranged. 
Thr dresses' are simple and picturesque camping costumes. The enor- 
miuis success of "Rebecca's Triumph " lias created a demand for this 
sort of piece, to meet which we confidently present "Anita's Trial,' 
in which is solved,-with no less success than in its predecessor, the 
difficult problem of constructing a play of strong human interest with- 
out the assistance of male characters. 

The r. HRQNQTHilNflTQLETRQ N: 

OR, OLD TIMES MADE NEW.. 

An entertainment in one act for sixteen girls, written for the Class Day 
Exercises at Uana Hall School, Wellesley, Mass., by two members 
of the Class of '87 and first performed before members of the school 
and their .friends, June 18, 1887, and later at Ellsworth, Maine, 
April 6, 1888. 

Price - - - ■ - - - - 35 cents. 



THE PEAK SISTERS. 

A humorous entertainment for young ladies. Arranged by Mary B. 
HoRNE. Any number of ladies may take part, but seven only are 
necessary. No scenery; costumes very simple. This laughable 
trifle meets with invariable success wherever performed. 
Price .._---- 15 cents. 

THE BOOK OF DRILLS. 

A ^roup of entertainments for female characters for stage or floor per- 
formance, by Mary B. Horne, the author of" The Peak Sisters,' etc. 

Price, ..----- 30 cents. 

WALTER R BAKErI CO, PnMisliers, 23 Winter St, Boston, 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

iiiiiiiiii! li' 11 1 111 Mi mil Hill iiii! mil 



AN ENTIRE NO' ""o 017 199 469 A 



THE GREAT MORAL 

Dime Show 

AM EMERTAIfflENT IK ONE SCEME. 



By MARY B. HORNE, 



Autlior of 



"The Pkak Sisters," Prof. Baxter's Great Ixvkxtk 
•The Book of Drills," "The Carntval of Days," 
" Plantation Bitters," Etc. 



Xinemale seven female cliaracte-s. Costumes simple- scenery an ordinary 
intPdo" or nfay be dispensed with altogether. Plays from half an hour upward. 
u-ordnrtotL number and chara-ner of additional specialties introduce.!. 
PhXi Llctlrarfiistpedormed by the Unity Club. Watertown, Mas.., on 
Friday eveuiug, February 5, 1892. 

This most amusing entertainment is a burlesque of the ordinaij'' dime- 
mustum." so-called, but is entirely devoid of ^l'^■'»'gf " ^ «* '^ ^ i^^^ 
neifectlv adaDted to church or home i)erformance. The characters aie, 8a\e uu, 
re'c\„%eaterl'sis^ant,a collection of "freaks., o »au.re Jsome- 

what assisted by art) who sing, dance or recite, accor img to * eu J-yec ,u 
abiUties in illustration of the explanatory lecture. It is "^ost elastic i.ts 
requ re>-<e"ts, can be played on any^stage or platform, ^v.th or w, h<,u scene, y, 
and with a creater or smaller number of characters, according to taste or 
uecesTuy It can be made uproariously funny, and is in character as well as tact 

A SEQUEL TO THE PEAK SISTERS. 



Price, 



15 Cents. 



SCEN'E-The exhibition hall of Sister Keziah's Show. Sister Keziah's intro- 
ductory iec<-«re dohnathan,.the bashful assistant. I'lfodV;: ,*:|7,..^jr.'-' 
Introducuon of the "freaks." Daniel M.CiiNTY ^<^^'''^J^"^'''^.f,, 
1a:ci\ Zarate, the celebrated Ale.vicau dwarf. Kkho, the shoi test ni..n 
alive, «ot rinancial'y. The wonderful MermaIp. The JMeimau s so,,,.'. 
C\.s.sii's NVhitk, the ossifled boy. A "rocliy" recitation. KALLiLi,tlio 
on I'v specimen of his kind in captivity; illustrated Dy cuts. Sio.nok (.ialassj, 
tlie'cJl.-brate.! Glass Eater. Galas«i sings. ALLEGKf> Penseroso, the won- 
derful two-headed girl; not to be confounded with the more common tW"- 
f,ir,,l girl. Two wavs of eating a pickle. Ida and Ione. the Grecnin 
'maidens. K.\i-hai;l Tintoret, the blind p;iinter, who paints blinds in full 
view of the audie ce. An Chin and \Vir\ hvsr,, the Cliinese twins, ox 
iremely well connected from birth, " The Land of Tea." K A-FOOZLE-i i m. 
tlie Turkish vocalist. Grand tiiiale and curtain. 



